


Be My Light

by simonbananaao3



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Drunken Kissing, Internal Conflict, M/M, POV First Person, Period-Typical Homophobia, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-24
Updated: 2018-04-24
Packaged: 2019-04-27 03:46:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14417001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/simonbananaao3/pseuds/simonbananaao3
Summary: Through writing, Steve will heal.





	Be My Light

A dark corner is a dark corner. Until, of course, there’s light in there. Then it’s, well, a light corner.

That’s how I felt whenever I looked at him.

Conflict boiled in me like a sickness. It felt wrong, and believe me I knew it was. I wasn’t supposed to like boys. Everyone knew that. Boys and girls. Girls and boys.

That’s the only option.

Nevertheless, I was never one to go with the flow. I liked picking fights. I enjoyed being the underdog. I wanted people to see me and think “this kid’s crazy” and then I wanted to show them what I was made of.

So yeah, there was a lot of fight in me. And, there still is.

That’s why I’m not ashamed to say that I’m in love with James Buchanan Barnes.

It’s not a bad thing, in my opinion. He says he loves me all the time, but I don’t think it carries the same weight as when I say it. He made me feel like I had a home.

When my mom wasn’t around anymore, I wasn’t alone, because he was right next to me. He let me cry, scream, fight, and do anything I could to make the pain go away.

I drank. It only takes about one beer to get me drunk. I drank enough that I couldn’t remember what I was taught.

One night I drank too much. I did what I wanted. I didn’t think. I kissed him. Our lips smashing against each other like waves on rocks reminded me that this wasn’t supposed to happen.

Bucky (he smiles whenever I say his name like that) simply grinned and took me to bed. I thought about that a lot.

I woke up the next morning feeling awful. It wasn’t just the alcohol. I knew what I did. The memories of the previous night came rushing into my brain.

Luckily, Bucky was calm, understanding. He told me that he knew that I wasn’t in the right state of mind. He said he understood.

But he didn’t. He didn’t understand that that same morning I was thinking about that kiss. I watched him tell me that it was okay, and I just wanted to lean over and do it again and forget that the world existed.

Despite this, conflict remained. How could love like this be so wrong?

It took me a while to realize that people who said that it was wrong had never been in love.

Those people, to put it simply, are assholes.

-

Bucky knew. How could he not?

Every day that we spent together, I could feel myself becoming closer to him.

First, it was my hand brushing against his by mistake.

Then, it was resting my head on his shoulder. For this, I gave the excuse that I was tired. He allowed it.

As I rested on him, his muscles tensed. I didn’t want to think about that.

I decided that it was enough. It was enough to get to be with him every day. I didn’t need to be his.

That’s what I told myself.

I just needed him to be my friend. My best friend.

That’s what I told myself.

-

I wanted him deeply. I tried to get as close to him as I could.

I got drunk. I kissed him again.

I woke up the next morning, feeling awful. I did this again and again. I did it until I didn’t need him anymore.

But I could never get him out of my mind.

I loved him.

I told him that I did every day. He said it back. He didn’t get it, did he?

He didn’t understand that I would do anything and everything to be his.

So, I did this. I got drunk every night. I kissed him every night.

I told him every morning how sorry I was, but really, every kiss was a kiss goodnight, and every time I said sorry, it was a promise that I would do it again.

-

A dark corner is a dark corner. But how long is it a dark corner? Until the light comes on? But what if it never does?

I love you, Bucky. Be my light.

**Author's Note:**

> i don't really know why i wrote this. hope you enjoyed?


End file.
